░░▒▒▒▓▓▓▒▒▒░░ (masstreble) wrote,

You know, hey, maybe I just get tired of upholding the standard that I've gradually for myself? Like being new, or entertaining. Maybe that's actually really exhausting in some ways, always having to be a sort of exception, all the fucking time? It's gotten to where I'm somehow trying to constantly surpass myself at the same time I look down on what I was. I've digged this hole where if, oh, hell, I just want to talk to people, I can't, because I can't come up with some original or brilliant or funny or novel way to get that across.

I act, all the time, like what other people say doesn't affect me. BULLSHIT. You percieve a message, you hear or read it, you interpret it, you take it into yourself. Maybe you don't notice it happening anymore, but I assure you it is happening, and like hell I'm some kind of exception. Cone to think of it, the effect may be even greater on me. I spend so much damn energy trying to transcend this medium, that stereotype, this preconception, and it eventually just drains me. Drained me. Past tense.

I mean, look, it's happening right now: there's this voice in my head that's going, "OMG DRAMA ON LIVEJOURNAL ROFL", and you know what? That's exactly the stupid shit this whole thing's built on, what I'm writing about right now, right here, both the cause and the subject. Do you have any idea how many comments I've typed up... and then closed without posting? You can't imagine. At least three a day, no matter how busy I am.

This isn't specific to Livejournal, either, so don't get that idea. No, it's in everything, including the "Real World" or whatever. (C'mon, you know, that place where six billion humanoids live together, never started being nice and never started being real, for that matter?) A couple of weeks ago, my sculpture instructor asked me what my interests were. I couldn't answer. I just sat there and thought. I couldn't think of anything to say. I just nervously joked about it.

When somebody asks you what your interests are, can you not answer?

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