Thu, Oct. 11th, 2007, 12:37 am
You know, hey, maybe I just get tired of upholding the standard that I've gradually for myself? Like being new, or entertaining. Maybe that's actually really exhausting in some ways, always having to be a sort of exception, all the fucking time? It's gotten to where I'm somehow trying to constantly surpass myself at the same time I look down on what I was. I've digged this hole where if, oh, hell, I just want to talk to people
, I can't, because I can't come up with some original or brilliant or funny or novel way to get that across.
I act, all the time, like what other people say doesn't affect me. BULLSHIT. You percieve a message, you hear or read it, you interpret it, you take it into yourself. Maybe you don't notice it happening anymore, but I assure you it is
happening, and like hell I'm some kind of exception. Cone to think of it, the effect may be even greater on me. I spend so much damn energy trying to transcend this medium, that stereotype, this preconception, and it eventually just drains me. Drained me. Past tense.
I mean, look, it's happening right now: there's this voice in my head that's going, "OMG DRAMA ON LIVEJOURNAL ROFL", and you know what? That's exactly the stupid shit this whole thing's built on, what I'm writing about right now, right here, both the cause and the subject. Do you have any idea how many comments I've typed up... and then closed without posting? You can't imagine. At least three a day, no matter how busy I am.
This isn't specific to Livejournal, either, so don't get that idea. No, it's in everything, including the "Real World" or whatever. (C'mon, you know, that place where six billion humanoids live together, never started being nice and never started being real, for that matter?) A couple of weeks ago, my sculpture instructor asked me what my interests were. I couldn't answer. I just sat there and thought. I couldn't think of anything to say. I just nervously joked about it.
When somebody asks you
what your interests are, can you
Thu, Oct. 11th, 2007 09:40 am (UTC)
I have actually been in the situation where I wrote up entries and replies all the time and didn't post them because I didn't think they added anything new to the conversation, yes. And it's damn hard to overcome, certainly. It got for me to the point where I didn't really communicate to anyone all that much because, you know, why bother?
I was asked the question, "Do you feel the need to impress new people?" The answer was, yes, because I get ignored otherwise. But it means that I get tired of running the same social gags over and over again and don't even bother. And part of the sociality is being banal and just putting your spin on affairs. Sometimes it's even worth it, I hear - I wouldn't know, I'm tired of it these days.
I can't answer what my interests are, but that's mostly because few if any would understand what they were if I told them. Fetish, mythology, music, and magic don't really come across as the interests of a sane normal person. And really, I'm not.
I tend to think that the origin of a lot of LJ drama, and problems in general, stem from the belief that we are unique in our problems and that no one understands out there. ...of course, that being said, see the previous paragraph.
You're you. I'm definitely interested in what you-you think, although frankly I can't tell whether your enigmality is because I haven't seen enough or because as usual I just can't remember or parse it.
Thu, Oct. 11th, 2007 10:25 am (UTC)
"Fetish, mythology, music, and magic" you say? That's sounds outstanding to me. If it isn't sane, it has to be... I don't know, super-sane, because it seems like every healthy person (barring obvious exceptions, the deaf can't hear music for instance) should have at least a passing interest in each of those. Start an association based on those four things, I'd want to be the first person through the doors.
Yeah, I'm an enigma. It's stupid, I don't know how I got myself into that situation. Maybe I've been conditioned, sent through enough social Skinner boxes and Pavlov harnesses that I can't help but hide a lot of myself. By a lot, I mean, most? Apparently, anyhow. That's what it looks like, anyhow. Don't feel bad: despite all that introspection, a whole little lifetime's worth, I still don't know who I am. Maybe that's part of what I'm trying to figure out right now.
Fri, Oct. 12th, 2007 01:32 am (UTC)
I've been called an enigma time and time again, but for me it's the fact that I can't present myself in significant fashion to people - they just understand their sphere of things and can't really apply it to mine. And unfortunately I can't do the reverse either - the best I can do is to try to find some greatest common denominator to negotiate protocols with. And it inevitably makes people feel like they're not getting the full story, which they're not.
I think, however, that if you're trying to figure out who you are, look at what you've put together. As I like to say, the easiest way to find magic is to look at what you already have and build from there. Most people already have the pieces, they just haven't put them together.
But if you want to deal with any of those four, I'm sure I (or any number of others) would be happy to help you find something.
Fri, Oct. 12th, 2007 07:02 am (UTC)
As far as finding common denominators go, try tapping out the first seven prime numbers. It's the standard way of doing it, or so I hear. I wonder how that'd go over at parties, though.
Fri, Oct. 12th, 2007 09:23 am (UTC)