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Mon, Mar. 8th, 2010, 02:36 am
*Looks at watch* Time for some introspective boring navel-gazing!

I have a confession to make. You know how I've been online a lot more since this little iBook fell into my lap? Well, I've only ever been using it in bed, because the phone jack is next to it. Well, I realized that I could just take it up to the table and sit and use it like a normal person, which is what I'm doing now, but up until right now, I've been essentially been taking you all to bed. :3

Okay, that's silly, and not what I wanted to talk about, and neither is this: HAY ghostangel LOOK AT MY ICON! I did it! It's kind of disappointing, but it's what you requested. I think. If it isn't, let me know and I'll further tweak it. I promise I won't forget for like an entire season like I did until this afternoon. Eh heh heh. Nnnngh. ()¬¬ Yeaaah sorry.

I was doing more sorting and cleaning of The Chamber tonight, and I found a lot of old emotionally laden stuff. Little talismans of the past, covered with a thick layer of personal history. Photographs of people I hadn't thought about in a long time, little accessories I once wore, old books that I used to keep close. Some ancient little doodles that made me laugh, not because they're funny, but because of what was happening while I was doing them.

Then I found the collar.

It was a blue dog collar, made of artificial fibers. I used to wear it in high school. Only for a year or so. I didn't think too much about it, I just thought it would be an awesome accessory, to show a little spunk, and I thought I could put other cool stuff on the D-ring. I figured, when I started wearing it, that nobody would really notice, maybe a couple of my friends.

I was wuh-rong. It seemed like everybody had some stupid opinion or little thing to say about it. Most of it terrible, because I wasn't a very popular guy, and everything and anything I could conceivable do was the worst thing imaginable because it was high school, and that's how life is on the island of the lord of the flies. I tried to blow it off, because I was tired of being pushed around by the opinions of people who hated me for no reason. People who had been pretending to ignore me up until that semester started verbally attacking me, and the collar was sometimes the subject of it. It even played a part in a series of events that I don't want to talk about, except to say that it destroyed me completely and I stopped wearing the collar during it.

So today I found this thing. I remember it being huge and thick. Now I look at it with much older and wiser eyes. I laughed. "It's so small!" I thought as I turned it over in my hands. My memories were warped and just wrong.

How could that be?

I stopped, washed my hands (lots of dusting going on) and sat my computer. I had a big archive of pictures from back then stashed away. I opened them up for the first time in about four years.

It was pretty shocking. I've gotten a lot more attractive as I've aged (!!!?) except for the whole hair thing, but that's beside the point. I was kind of cute in a hapless teenager that doesn't know what to do with himself kind of way. I needed a real wardrobe, a crash course on hair and what to do with it, and some confidence, but the person I was looking at wasn't the person I remembered. I was baffled.

Then I figured it out.

The person I was remembering, the image I was keeping in my mind of myself back then, it hadn't really come from me. It came from them. It was a horrible, twisted view made up of all the abuse I'd received.

I was pissed, sitting there looking at these photographs on my screen, holding up this blue dog collar. I was pissed at them and a little mad at myself over the whole thing. Then I just let it go. I learned something important about myself and I think the world today.

I hate being trapped under these stairs, trapped in this stupid little town, unemployed and lonely. But I know I'll be making an escape again sooner or later. I've gained a few things out if it, though. I've sunk down into the absolute darkness in my head a couple of times these last year or so, and I'm stronger for it. I've gained a lot of perspective on, well, everything. Somehow, I've managed to make myself a better person since this whole mis-adventure started.

One thing, though? About the collar?

I really should have looked around for a black one. >:3

Edit: Damn it, I keep trying to use my desktop mouse with the notebook on the table with it. (OOC-QOTN right here--) That does it, from now on I'm keeping the Internet in bed, where it's less confusing.


Mon, Mar. 8th, 2010 01:44 pm (UTC)

Good luck goin' forward. I have a few prickly memories like that too.

Mon, Mar. 8th, 2010 09:51 pm (UTC)
masstreble: I want to re-read No Exit now.

I believe most people do. I have to wonder if they compact it like sandstone in the geological history of their selves like I did. Maybe we're all bound for rockslides of the spirit if we don't work it out.

I kind of wish I had a professional to talk to about some of this stuff. It's hard to ignore that I've got issues, but I'm trying to be a functional adult here, damn it, and an awesome one if it can be managed. DIY mental health has been the standard for, well, history until the very last bit, but when I know there's an alternative... I guess I have it good, though, considering. I'm provided for, I'm not being hunted by wolves, and I have just enough space too work on this. Most people won't get that kind of break. That sucks. Hell is other people, maybe, but other people are in hell, too.

Mon, Mar. 8th, 2010 05:13 pm (UTC)

The person I was remembering, the image I was keeping in my mind of myself back then, it hadn't really come from me. It came from them. It was a horrible, twisted view made up of all the abuse I'd received.
I am mercifully spared that. From age 7, I was too preoccupied fighting the noise in my own head.

And once I finally got treatment, at 23, for my unipolar mood disorder … well, all of my memories from before then have no personal context. I remember things a facts, details, not as things I actually did or lived through.

But what they did to you? My rage is so great, that it summons Kali to go and whoop their asses.

Mon, Mar. 8th, 2010 10:02 pm (UTC)

Eeeeeyikes I think I had it better than you did. I was a mis-fit in high school, which wasn't as awesome as it sounds. Or it is, I can't tell from where I'm standing. It was just normal high school bullshit, you know, we humans have this primate complex of behaviors in which giving abuse is a show of dominance and it gives you status. It becomes a game for children, because society bites back at those that show outright displays of abuse, so they have to find ways to do it subtly. Sometimes they learn how to condition the agents of society -- teachers, adults and such -- into just ignoring it under special circumstances.

It's all instinct. This isn't about the world or the universe at all. It's about the species Homo sapiens. Something that we haven't learned how to face yet about ourselves.

If I was a philosopher, my masterpiece would be entirely about this. Might still happen.

Tue, Mar. 9th, 2010 02:20 am (UTC)

Well don't be so sure about having it better or worse than me. Pain is subjective, and cannot be compared.

I'm not so sure that it's, "instinct," either. More like limited capacity for self-monitoring combined with a severe lack of empathy.

I'm 40 now, and I can say, with a high degree of certainty, that this country has elevated sociopathy to a virtue over the last couple of decades. At the same time, it's branded empathy and compassion as, "socialist".

But, I will remind you, the charity song is wrong. We are not the world, we in America. While we have grown sociopathic, unempathetic and compassionless, these are qualities of one nation, not the entire species.

Tue, Mar. 9th, 2010 12:58 am (UTC)

I still think that icon is beautiful, thank you!

On the past. I was shocked to see that in my teens, I was beautiful. And the ultimate chewtoy of everything in the school and at home. I had no idea. It was just cause I was different looking and mildly autistic, so yeah.

Tue, Mar. 9th, 2010 09:20 am (UTC)

I'm not completely satisfied with the resulting icon, and I thought about re-doing the animation in a more thorough and high-def way, but then I realized input and output and you know I ought to be doing other things with the same time. So, we're at 'good enough' with this icon. It's not as if anybody's complained yet. :D

Tue, Mar. 9th, 2010 11:29 am (UTC)

I think it's very pretty!

Wed, Mar. 10th, 2010 01:16 am (UTC)

Oh, thank you. *Blush* It was from a larger animation, which I've got up in a few different places. If it deserves any praise, it should go to the flowers on which it is based. Fun fact: this flower is not something that can be found in nature (as of right now). It's a combination of a dandelion, this one species of flower that I don't know the name of, and I also took the look of the runners (which play a bigger part in the larger animation) from good ol' strawberry plants. We have a couple boxes of them in the backyard, and I spent a couple of afternoons sketching them while little white moths flit about my sketchbook, dancing on my breath. I tried sketching them, too, but they're not very cooperative models.