It's offensive! It's wacky! It's fun! Please don't get mad at me!
A really, really controversial post
So, me and my girlfriend decided to skip on on school prayers to join the flag burning when we decided to have premarital sex. I was pirating mp3s from the Internet a few days later when my girlfriend barges in and says that she's pregnant and wants an abortion... Good thing we had insurance!
Fortunately, the insurance covered the cost of the gender change operation, too. Unfortunately, all the genetic modification researchers were busy cloning George Bush, so we had to wait in line. I went out and bought a gun while she held our spot in line. When I got back, they had already finished, so we went home and sodomized each other at his Texas apartment. Then, we joined the military at the advice of a good friend of ours (that just happens to be a gay Episcopal bishop).
So, we went to Iraq to search for weapons of destruction when a small horde of millionaires charged us, demanding a flat tax rate and that the Alaskan permanent fund dividend be tapped to make up for it. So, I did what any Alaskan would do: shot them, drilled for oil in wildlife refuges, and went whaling in Iceland.
Well, I was walking out of Icelandic Furriers with my new fur coat, and wouldn't you know it: they arrested me for shooting all those millionaires! I was put on a military tribunal, and denied Constitutional rights. Rats! They gave me the death penalty, but the retiring governor pardoned me and a bunch of other guys. Phew!
I had just been freed when an invasive species attacked me! Later, the doctors found out the invasive species had only been the new Department of Homeland Security. They said they had vaccines for it, but they were mostly untested. I decided I would take them anyway. That's when I started dieing.
I asked for euthanasia, but the doctors wouldn't do that. Instead, they just did some stem cell research, and used that to (somehow) save me. I felt so rejuvenated, I ran for governor of California!
Well, anyhow, I think I'll wrap this post up, and go grab me a vegetarian meal. Happy bear baiting, everyone!
Note: I don't express any opinions in the above... abomination. I don't have opinons. They don't get along with my beliefs.
Seriously, though: take care of yourselves out there.