May 8th, 2006

confused, angry

The moments I've been dreading have almost arrived.

I've been somewhat sparse lately. Well, I'm not going to apologize about it, in fact, you'd better get used to it, because I'm not going to be here for the next few months. I'll still keep up on Livejournal and check email at least once a week, but I'm kind of boned on decent Internet connectivity between semesters. That means I'll write longer (but fewer) entries until September. Also, I'm going to be a little lonely, as I only a couple of friends back home, and they're as busy as I am, so you'll have to keep that in mind in case I get a little nostalgic or otherwise strange during that time.

We've just now entered the dreaded finals week, and I feel guilty: I have only a few things to do, and I have barely started them -- everyone else is rightfully stressed out finishing final projects and studying while I hardly do anything. One of my classes has already concluded, and I only have to study for one final, finish a paper, and do an afternoon computer design job (plus prepare for a presentation on the same). I could have done this last week. How lazy am I? Thiiiiis lazy.

I'm wondering whether or not I have a job to come back to this summer. I was told, over the phone, that I was gaurenteed it, and I just had to send in the application. After some unneccessary stalling and confusion on my part, I sent it in, but they sent it back reporting that no positions were available. Very confusing: I'm kind of in with them, so I'm thinking there's some confusion on the orginizational side. I'll talk to them tomorrow; hopefully, there hasn't been some sucks-to-be-you catostrophic change that leaves me with no job to come home to, leaving me with no money, ruining my hard-worked-for housing arangement for the Fall semester. Somehow, I'm uncharacteristically unworried.

Maybe I'm still giddy from my good critique in Advanced Drawing. I've still got a long road ahead of me, but my skills are sharpening. I'm getting pretty good at still lives and life drawing, but my illustrative skills are just kind of hovering upwards. That's worrying: I'm going to put more focus on recreationally doing digital stuff, and see if I can't get myself to live in my sketchbooks semi-permanently. Right now, I've got some bad habbits, spending a few days in a row obsessively sketching random stuff (which I enjoy oh-so much) and getting really neat ideas, but then I'll abandon it for a almost a week. I have to break that binge-purge waveform. Why do I do it? I think it has something to do with getting really busy, and feeling like it's a burden to just sketch, and that feeling of burden builds until it bursts. I'm going to spend some time alone to figure this out.

I would show you what I've been doing for my classes, but a) it isn't terribly interesting, all life drawings and scraps of admitingly boring and sub-par computer 2d-design stuff. No, I can't scan the life-drawings: they're just too big. I really need to do more recreational stuff, the kind of things that I want to do -- that's how you really develop and how you ...wake up your creating-atman? I really don't have the language to describe it.

Important point reiterated: I'll be leaving Thursday afternoon, so if you want to talk to me, let me know now, because communication will be shaky until September, got it?

I stop working on a final project long enough to say:

A few of your reactions make me feel like I need to reiterate that I'm not leaving permanently, just for the summer, which sucks. Don't feel too bad for me, though: it means I get a nice tan and spend some well-deserved time outside. I won't be able to exchange big, thoughtful comments with you or talk through instant message servers, but I'll still read your posts and there's always email.