April 16th, 2010

help, robot, sleep

To everybody that writes fiction:

Character names should be as strange as possible. For instance, here is a small mob of people:

Stove Pipe Hatte
Crunchy Rhubarb
Salamander Dancecraze
Boots Justice
Freida Northbound Explosions
Liberty Expressway
Revenge Mankiller

"But this is ridiculous!" you say. "Nobody is named things like that!"

Oh, but they are. I have seen each of those first and last names (and middle names) in my life. Any attempts at realistic naming aren't actually realistic at all, they're realisticy, feigned attempts at making props out of platonic ideals of themselves.

What I'm really trying to say here is that you have to create from the fringe. You have to go crazy before you start to make sense.

This one's got werewolves, Speed Racer, and hell in it. Not in that order, though.

Poll #1552008 A poll approaches. You ready your weapon...

Perhaps one of the stranger swaths of real estate in upper hell is the mountain range of keys.

Oh man my mom told me I was concieved there.
I was on a hiking trip there once. I, uh, lost my cell phone.
(I wonder if this is going to be on the test.)
Hmm. Interesting. Tell me, do you fuck like the dog?

So what you're telling me is that you're not the werewolf, but your brother is?

What? No, there's no werewolf. My brother's just -- *SIGH* put down the gun!
Yeah. And now I'm the one in the helecopter with the rifle. Start running you sorry bastard.
Yeah. And I'm not. For the last time, it doesn't work like that.
Neither of us are "werewolves". We are wolves that take the form of men. I'm starting to wonder why we bother.
...So, you took me up here because you thought I was my brother? God that just, ugh! I'm going back to the party.

"Here he comes/ here comes Speed Racer/ he's a demon on wheels"

Really? Why come paladins don't attack him, then?
Come to think of it, I've never seen him with the helmet off.
So, is the Mach 5 infernal technology, or what?
I knew it. He's always hanging out with that monkey!
"So that means that Racer X is!" "That's right. Satan."