░░▒▒▒▓▓▓▒▒▒░░ (masstreble) wrote,

The Great Domestic Adventure: Chapters 1 & 2 ~OR~ The Biggest LJ Post You May Ever See

Although these may seem entirely inplausable because of their entertainment value, all events described are based on real occurances, more than you would think. Please enjoy them, and feel free to comment.

Friends and enemies, chumps and champions, l337 bois and gurls of all ages! Read this harrowing romance of metal and miles, friends and farms, airports and agravation, documentation and drama! It's...

The Great Domestic Adventure!

Intro and Chapter 1.

I think a friend can be represented entirely by their shoulders. Every kind of psoitive interaction you can have with a friend can be symbolized by something to do with shoulders. For instance, you can cry on them, representing emotional support. You can lean on them, representing physical support. You can punch and lock with them, representing play. They have strength to lift things, and there's enough room for you, in case you should ever fall. Some shoulders are just fun to look at. Others are burly and strong, or are comforting and soft.

These "shoulders" were the how and why Theta Kogun ( thetakogun is his net name, not his real one) must have decided to go to Anime North, in Toronto! raiblu, perhaps his bestest friend in the whole wide world, is also going to Anime North, and they were really looking forward to the trip. They even booked the flights so they would be next to one another on a few of them. (No, that is not creepy.)

Some time ago, I offered to assist Theta with a trip he's taking. How could I help him? Simply put, my roots are here in Palmer, which is far closer to Anchorage than Fairbanks is: 34 miles versus 340 miles. We were going to store his car nearby, and then I was to drive him to the airport. Why? So he wouldn't have to pay for lang-term parking.

On May 19th, he showed up at my house at 4:30 PM, four hours before his flight departed. I was eagerly awaiting his arrival, because I had not seen him in a couple of weeks. We conversed shortly about various matters. Here's a sample:

"Van Helsing is apparently a crappy movie."
"I thought it would be. They're also making a Catwoman movie."
"I saw that somewhere."
"I would 'do' Halle Berry."
"I don't think she should be Catwoman though. I think they're going to wreck it. That sucks. It was the only comic book series I actually read. I wanted to 'do' her."
"For God's sakes, Sam!"

After Theta got tired of me hearing how I wanted to 'do' every attractive person on the planet we decided it was time to leave, I confered with dear ol' Dad for the last time how to get to Anchorage airport and back. I couldn't figure it out on my own before. (Sorry about talking at you about this instead of to you that night, makzu. I hope you aren't too sore at me about that.) Before we left for Grandmother's, dear ol' Dad said from the doorway, "Drive careful!"

I turned and answered, "I will be!"

He gave me a doubtful look and closed the door. I chuckled and murmered, "Sucker." and hopped into my low-riding pick-up. Everyone in the state unconciously shivered...

He followed my trail of destruction through Palmer; a cyclone of uprooted trees and street lamps, thrown cars, upturned pavement, and screams. Shortly, we reached Grandmother's farm, where it was agreed by all parties it was safe to store Theta's car. Afterwards, he hopped into my pickup. "So this is what it means to be in the eye of the storm," he commented before I we left. Our trip to Anchorage started there, after heading through the wreckage of almost-Wasilla. (Well... it's wreckage now.)

After destroying what I could of Anchorage, we navigated our way to the Ted Stevens Anchorage International OMG We Have An Unneccessarily Long Name Airport. I dropped Theta off near the ticket counters, and drove around to the parking garage...

Unbeknownst to me, Thete had encountered a problem with his 'ticket'. You see, in these convient modern times, the airliners perfer you use their convient ticket kiosks to transform your lowly electronicall-reservered print-outs into real tickets. (It's like Pinochio, only without any bugs!) However, Theta has found that his Orbitz confirmation codes hardly ever work on the kiosks, so he ends up doing it at the counter anyhow. (Spoke too soon about the bugs.) While the (um,) counterperson (that looks hokey! :/) flight attendent (those are on the plane! xo) baggage-checky engineer (oh hell no! XP) counterperson (already did that one! X_X) the Continental Airlines baggage-and-ticketing employee (good enough. C.A.B.A.T.E.?) told him they needed to see his birth certificate or passport. "It can't be done," she enigmatically and ominously stated.

I smugly strolled up to the seating banks, pleased with the ruins of the parking garage I had left behind. I noticed Theta seemed to have encountered problems with the C.A.B.A.T.E., and decided it was in all parties' interests if I investigated. The seating banks were irrereperably damaged, and several people had been injured before I stood next to Theta. The C.A.B.A.T.E.-- who I would "do"-- was explaining that "It can't be done." Theta thought he could kill her.

Theta again asked her, and she responded, "It can't be done."

After the exchange continued, I learned that Theta needed a copy of his birth certificate or a passport to be issued a ticket because the flight was going into Canada, which is a foreign country. Theta thought he could kill this. (After much "it can't be done"ing, he was able to reschedule his flight to the same time the same time... the next day. Theta and I left, and from the smoking ruins of the ticket counter I left behind me, I heard the C.A.B.A.T.E. say, "It can't be done." Theta thought he could kill her, then realized he'd already thought that today.

After I drove my truck out of the blasted crater of the parking garage, we made our way back to grandmother's farm, where Theta jumped back into his car, and started on a fourteen hour drive to and from Fairbanks. He was wounded, yet not defeated. He thought he wanted to kill both.

I went home, where I ate some food, thought about people I would "do", and neglected to make a post on Livejournal about this entire mess.

End of Chapter 1.

So closes Chapter 1 of The Great Domestic Adventure! Will Theta be able to make the trip in time! Will he get a copy of his birth certificate?! Will Rai be okay there, all alone on the plane?! Is AN going to start without Theta? How can he DRIVE that much in two days?! How is the high price of gas effecting our heros?! Is Sam's driving really that bad? Will he ever stop oggling pretty people? Why is Theta so morbid and broody? Is it true that Rai's, you know, 'blessed'? With psycic powers you perverts? Is Sam ever going actually 'do' anyone? To answer very few some of these questions, you'll just have to scroll down to read...

Chapter 2.

Ben arrived at my house much earlier than either of us had anticipated. At about 9:30 AM, the next day, my bedroom door shoock violently, and opened, interupting my dreams of 'do'ing mythical pretty creature-people. It was dear ol' Dad!

"[Theta]'s here," he announced.
"Inconceivable!" I answered.

A slew of "The Princess Bride" refferences followed, until Theta entered, and I was forced into putting some damn clothes on.

I was very much suprised to find that Theta had arrived to early. He told me of how quickly the trip went, and how he had just missed me online when he got back to his dorm room at UAF. He described how quickly the trip up went, and some of the problems he ran into on the way back: wildlife, a traffic accident outside of Wasilla, and sleep-deprivation-induced hallucinations. He talked about the latter until he fell soundly asleep in my bed. I shruged, changed my clothes, mowed my grandmother's lawn, came back, played a little Earthbound until Ben woke up.

Earthbound is not a good first thing to see when you wake up. Mistaking the input from Earthbound as a dream, he willed himself awake again, which and already awake person should not do.

He saw everything. Eternity. Time. The multiverse. Truth. He had reached Nirvana. He was, is, and will be around, beneath, above, through, in, out, of, for, and with it...

Far far away, he heard a voice...

This is what it said: "If that sprite were real, I would do her."

Nirvana crashed, and the multiverse displayed "404: True Existance Not Found"

He came to, and threw a shoe at me.

If the universe had stock footage, I'm sure it could run it instead of us having to repeat the trip to Anchorage. It was almost the same, except for a detour at Subway's, where the famished Theta redeemed half a sub from his saved Subway stamps. On the road to Anchorage, Rai called him on his cell phone.

"I'm on the road back to Anchorage now."
"Wonderful," Rai purred as a sexy Torontorian anime cat-girl caressed his side.
"It should go pretty smoothly this time!"
"That's good to hear... I don't mind waiting for you! Just so long as you show up..." he trailed off as an anime fan-girl licked his lower lip.
"I'll talk to you later!"
"Okay, la-ohhhh!" Rai dropped the cell phone as a gorgeous costume player did unspeakably wonderful things to him.

"I really want to get to that convention." Theta stuttered as he put down his cell phone.

Just like the day before, I dropped Theta and his luggage off at the ticket counters, then parked the pickup in the still smoking crater in the parking garage. (Almost like the day before, then.) I rushed downstairs, then upstairs, then downstairs, and then upstairs, commented on how screwy the Airport is built, then met rushed over to the Continental ticket counter.

Theta approached me, ticket in hand. "Guess what?" he said as he waved it like a fan.
"You killed something?"
"What? No, I got it."
"It can't be done!" said a voice from the counter. I returned a wave to the C.A.B.A.T.E.
"I would still 'do' her." I said to the side.
"Eww. Well, it looks like I'm off." Theta sighed.
"Well... Good luck." I offered.
We grasped hands, and then parted.

It was an uneventful ride home. I realized I wasn't intimidated by city driving anymore, had some dinner, read a little, and didn't neglect to make a livejournal post. In a few days, I would return to Anchorage to pick up both of my friends from the airport, but in the meantime, I had other things to think about.

Like 'do'ing pretty people.

End of Chapter 2.
Tags: whee

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